Author Archive for Jonny Spong

The Potential Iguanodon and the Onion

“ROOOOOAAAAAAAAR! I am the Potential Iguanodon!” said the Potential Iguanodon to the Onion. Such was his usual form of introduction. “Hey, Onion, I wrote another short story. Wanna read it?” This was not a so much question as it was an order.

The Onion, rightly sceptical based on the Iguanodon’s previous attempts, made a point of ignoring this. “What’s it about?”

“You’ll find out,” the Iguanodon persisted, so that the Onion was obliged to take the still-warm sheet of printer paper. The story went as follows:

“A pane of glass separates me from Them. It’s probably not enough to hold Them for long. Glass is like the heart; eventually, it will be broken. Trying hard to ignore my reflection – each time our eyes meet, I feel it judging me – I perceive in the dark of night a shape moving. A monster. Slinking along the garden path to get me, mumbling incomprehensibly to itself all the way. Cold-hearted with fear, I flick the switch for the outdoor lights. “Darn it!” I hear the monster shout, and then, remembering its status as a monster, a torrent of language inadvisable for anyone – of this world or otherwise. Noticing the rate at which it is decomposing in the light, the monster makes a hasty getaway. I will leave the lights on, I think, but watch in silent horror as the bulbs flicker and die, one by one, and the darkness outside brings back my reflection. “Darn it,” I whisper, restraining my more monster-like tendencies. My heart is a block of ice in my chest, able only to smash or melt away completely as more shapes pile into the garden. Perhaps time will stop if I grow colder and colder, freeze up through and through. It’s a case of sinking into my own darkness or theirs. The glass breaks, and so do I.”

The Onion carefully lowered the sheet to see the Iguanodon’s big toothy grin. “So, whaddaya think? Is it good? Deep, ain’t it?” The Onion had to admit, the quality of writing had improved since the days of “Tom And His Big Elephant That Wants To Be A Pilot But Couldn’t Because It’s Is Big And Was Heavy,” but still…

“There’s one thing I’ll never understand,” the Onion explained. “People like being depressed. They have this strange idea that depressing things are profound and that profound things must be, by nature, depressing. They think that, if you look hard enough, you’ll always end up sad. They think that naivety is being happy, and being happy is naive. That attitude is just lazy. It’s the easy way of getting through life. Don’t achieve anything, don’t strive for the good things in life. Just wave them away, saying they’re superficial and untrue.” She sighed deeply. “People want to be happy, right? You’ve got to look past all the sad things. Learn from them, but don’t let them crowd your vision. You have to actually try, to learn how to really see. Maybe it’s just easier for me, being an Onion.” She looked right at the Iguanodon and his beady eyes. “Let me tell you something deeply personal. When I’m older, I want to have lots of wrinkles. Deep ones, smile lines on either side of my mouth. Until then, I’ve just got to keep on smiling. I’ll be able to point to each one and say “This is from the time I saw a dog in a car smile at me,” and “This is from the time we saw that film and couldn’t stop laughing for hours,” and “This is from the time we walked through that restaurant dressed as pirates.” I’ll be able to point to each one and say “These make a life worth living.””

The Potential Iguanodon was stunned. “So… Does that mean you don’t like it?”

The Onion laughed, not at him, or with him, but for him. “You’ve got potential, I’ll tell you that. But for the moment, put those big teeth of yours to use and give me a smile.”

The Iguanodon did. “Onion? I want to have wrinkles too.”

“We’ll have wrinkles together.”

Quite forgetting about glass and monsters and the night, they both started laughing. “Whoa,” said the Iguanodon. “The sky sure is huge.”

“Yeah,” said the Onion. “I bet that if we tried hard enough, we could fall right into it.”

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On Queuing, Family, and the Nintendo DS.

So there was this one time me and my dad were waiting in the barbers.

There was a guy already having his hair cut, and two kids sat waiting. They looked like brothers.

Each had a Nintendo DS, the focus of their full attention. Any conversation was directed at their own set of screens.

The elder was apparently winning. Things looked comparatively bleak for the younger sibling, who cast his tear-filled eyes around the room in search of support, since none was forthcoming from his brother.

I gave him a look to say “I know your pain,” but it wasn’t very effective.

Salvation came for the boys in the form of their father, his hair-cut complete. The consoles were snapped shut, and the spell was broken by the subject of sweets.

The two boys asked the barber if there were any lollies.

The barber laughed and said they were fresh out.

A brief conference between the brothers, finally united by their task, resulted in asking the barber if he had any more lollies.

The father laughed and said that if they’re out, they’re out.

I noticed my own father smiling at this spectacle. He must have seen this scene before. I think that maybe there is a universal recognition between fathers, a shared feeling, an understanding.

To know what it means to truly be a father.

There was this other time me and my dad were queuing at Betty’s Tea Rooms.

In front of us was a tall black-haired man with stubble, a scarf, and a long black coat.

And his Nintendo DS.

Also black.

It seemed his whole family was there. With silver hair and a warm yellow jumper was the man’s father, to whom he was demonstrating the wonders of Nintendo’s hand-held console.

The scene was perfect; like something out of an advert. Only more genuine. The expressions on the faces of those men were ones of true, real joy, like you don’t often see.

It was then that it struck me.

The power of the Nintendo DS.

Such power is subtle, yet immense.

To be able to tear families apart, and to bring them together again. With that power, you could control the world.

Let us hope our fate is in good hands.

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I peeled a lemon.

Yes, I peeled a lemon.
That was a life-goal of mine, y’know.
lemon-13
A little while ago I realised that I’d never seen a peeled lemon before.
You see them chopped in half and sliced and all that; but never peeled.
It became some sort of mission.
I must peel a lemon!
Yeah, like that.
And so I did.
lemon-2
The sun began to shine when it was done.
And I did in fact feel a bit more fulfilled afterwards.
It’s not a feeling often experienced these days.
A peeled lemon looks kind of like an orange.
Only yellow.
And it’s more of an oblate spheroid.
And that’s only a small fraction of how exciting my life is.
I have a couple more goals to complete.
One involving Desolation.
The other is an impossible task involving A Mirror.
But I’ll do it anyway.

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For your safety…

Who is this Assis Tance, and… Why?
Oh well, better do as they say.
Because they are.
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Zombies!

I’ve noticed something.

Zombies.

There’re a lot of them.

Well, I’ve had an idea to stop them. Bury people with their shoes tied together.

Back in the old days, you could subdue a zombie by giving it some beans to count.

But wait – zombies are getting smarter, aren’t they?

They can probably undo knots or overcome the mighty occult power of beans, now.

Huh.

And there are more types, now, right?

Yeah… fast zombies, big zombies, space zombies, tiny zombies, alien zombies, Christmas zombies, robot zombies, metaphorical zombies, zombie viruses, leader zombies, and most importantly, the animated rotting corpse of your best friend.

Trying to give you some zombie cake.

On fire.

That’s pretty bad.

We can’t stop that many undead.

The nuke you used to stop them is probably what caused so many in the first place.

We have but one option.

Accept zombies into society.

No use putting it off, we can’t just keep blowing them up.

They could be taught basic tasks, and would happily be fed on what the supermarket doesn’t want.

If they keep getting smarter, they could do tasks effectively in groups.

Zombies in the police.

Zombie bus drivers.

Zombie chefs.

Well, maybe not chefs.

Not if we don’t want any more zombie cake.

The point is this – we have to learn to understand each other.

Senseless violence gets us nowhere.

They will only cause a zompocalypse if we provoke them.

You haven’t died.

You don’t know how they feel.

Empathy, man.

The dead deserve a chance at life as much as the living.

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It’s a blog!

Hey, it’s a blog!

Is it about anything, you ask?

It’s about whatever this is, presumably.

Well, I hope it helps.

With what?

I don’t know, try asking yourself that question.

Feeling better?

Anyway, shiny new blog.

Will it go anywhere?

Remember – even the biggest pile of metaphorical pebbles starts with a smaller pile of metaphorical pebbles.

So long as you keep adding metaphorical pebbles.

And more often than not, you end up with a smaller pile, too.

At least this pebble’s here to stay.

Aren’t pebbles great?

They’re far older than any of us.

They were formed deep under the ocean, or in the burning depths of the Earth, or in an explosive volcano eruption.

They have been hundreds of other pebbles before.

They will be more in the future.

After all this, they wash up on the beach, brought by the mighty ocean.

Behind their simplicity is an incredible complexity.

If we find one of these eternal objects, can we really call it ours?

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